I’m off my meds, in a good way.
Did I really just admit to the world my parents, the handful of friends and few frenemies reading this that I was taking medication to deal with anxiety and depression?
Totally did, and this is why: ever since I had my blogging identity crisis I’ve been managing my own personal life crisis which turns out to have been one of those life opportunities disguised as heartbreaking pain that makes you stronger and more whole than before you became broken.
Background on that another day for those who are interested … today I want to share a shortish story to illustrate the significant shift I’ve experienced taking place.
I’m actually not sure how this works. Will I forever be like “oh, that’s how I used to do things and this is how I would have felt” as a gauge of how I’m different now, or will my new way of being just become a way of life?
So I’m in my seventh week of this intense self-recovery process (intense, I think because it’s not like I’ve checked out of Real Life as I walk this new road).
We pulled into the driveway after being gone a few days and there was a package addressed to someone across town. Totally different address, house number, etc. I was instantly overwhelmed and pissed.
Now I have another thing to deal with! I stressed that I had no way to get this package to the right place that day and it was probably important and damn it why are people so irresponsible and why does all this kind of stuff fall on me to do!?
(Are you getting this awesome internal dialogue? Doesn’t that sound like a fun way to roll?!)
So then it occurred to me that what I’ve been working on personally applies to all facets of my life and these ordinary annoyances can be met with a new mindset.
I decided it wasn’t my mistake and I didn’t actually have to do anything about it.
So, I threw the box away.
I put it in my car to be dropped off on my way to work when it was more convenient for me.
The next morning I got to the business, left the boys parked where I could see them, and ran in to drop off the box.
As soon as the woman at the counter saw the address she said technically I was in the right place but the package belonged to a group contracting a building for the summer and I could just “run over there behind the X building, just off of Y street.”
And again I was furious. I am doing someone a favor! I am going out of my way to deal with something that isn’t my problem and now it is my problem and I don’t have time to take it anywhere else …. I put spaces in there to make it easier to read but in my head these thoughts run more together like this: ihavetogotoworkrightnowiamalreadylate which comes with this crushing pressure in my chest.
So, I paused and drew a deep breath. After I stared at her for a moment I said: Actually, I am on my way to work and have my kids in the car. This is far as I’m willing to bring the box.
I smiled when I said it because I was actually calmed down and had realized that she wasn’t doing anything TO me on purpose. She was just better at advocating for herself than I am used to be. It worked better for her to have me take it to this other place, or maybe her boss told her to direct people that way.
But, this errant package was an odd exception and I’m sure someone at that company could make the trip to X building on Y street.
Because it wasn’t going to be me.
Duh! Might be a response for many but truly for me this is big. Even a couple weeks ago I would have schlepped that box all the way to Y Street, kids in tow, wondering why I was suddenly all irritated and put out.
Not feeling put upon anymore is one of my new favorite things.
Right after being free from that crushing pressure of ohmygodihavetofigurethisoutrightnoworelseidon’tknowforsurebutsomethingreallyshittyican’thandlewillhappen.
Dang I struggle to keep the story short. And think of all I left out!
Happy to fill in the blanks for those who ask, feel free to use the comments here or email (see that cute “email me” button in the upper left part of the screen? I spent hours making that, feel free to use it … but I won’t feel put out or anything if you don’t. I did it because I wanted to.)
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