Nathalie's Notes

Sitting out NaNo, and other changes

When I think of the writing contest NaNoWriMo,I picture myself sitting in front of the computer at 2 a.m. while nursing my newborn and wondering what in the world I was thinking when I signed up for it that second year. Not only did I commit to the month-long write-a-thon while welcoming a brand new human being into our life, I agreed to write a weekly column for the Statesman Journal documenting the experience. It was a crazy, cool month but with the whole sleep deprivation thing I'm afraid it didn't yield The Novel of a lifetime. What it did do, though, is open the door for focusing on my writing at a time when it seemed impossible. I also got some good free-writing out of it.

That being said, I won't be doing it again for awhile. While I encourage anyone intrigued by the idea to jump in because it truly was an awesome experience, two years was enough for me until I complete a few of the books I've already started. The thing about NaNo is you have to start a project from scratch Nov. 1st with the goal of finishing it by the end of the month.

When I decided to sit out NaNo earlier last month, it was because I knew I had my own deadline approaching for a finished manuscript of Breaking Branches. The deadline I so boldly, and ugh! publicly set, in the face of being pregnant with an ever-evolving toddler. Read that: getting taller and reaching new heights, so to speak. I think I mentioned our recent run-in with Poison Control after he manged to climb up to the medicine cabinet I was so sure was out of his reach. Nothing, it turns out is out of his reach now that he's demonstrated what a clever little guy he is.

While I proved to myself that I could write, a lot, even as I adjusted to my new role as Sam's mama I also am realizing that there's a point I need to call "Uncle!" All this is to say, I've arrived at that point.

My writing is fractured again as I fight exhaustion to meet my word count goals. I'm edgy and frustrated when I pick rest over work and I'm back at that point where I feel like no matter what I'm doing at that moment, I should be doing something else.

At least I was feeling that way before I had myself a nice little meltdown and broke down on Matt. He looked at me like I was crazy. (In his defense, I was a little). Then he simply suggested I change my deadline.

"But I already set it."

"Right. So YOU can change it."

"But I announced it on my blog."

"And mostly people who like and care about you read it, right? You've said it's been an awesome source of support for you."

"Yes but ..." He kind of had me there. Then I remembered why I set the date in the first place. "But if I don't finish it now, I'll never do it. NEVER!" (There was crying at this point. Near hysteria.)

It turns out plenty of women have achieved many of their personal goals after becoming mothers. It's just hard to admit that sure, you can have it all, just not at the same time. Sometimes you have to pick your priorities and as badly as I want to finish this novel and send it out into the world, I want to grow a healthy baby, prepare for his arrival, enjoy my last weeks with Sam as an only child and, frankly, sleep while I can. Without having some help with Sam, I can't do those things plus keep working in middle-of-the-night margins. I intend to keep plucking away at it, though I haven't figured out my new goal yet. I will, of course, keep you posted.

The "v" word, and my new column

Somehow I managed to write a whole column about this flu season without mentioning the word "vaccine" once. It helps, of course, that I'm limited to 600 words! And that I generally try to avoid being all controversial in a column intended to highlight the commonalities of parents rather than foster the polarizing debates that so often plague playgrounds, social networking sites and such.

That being said ... it's not that I don't have opinions. I know, imagine that. Just this morning I felt compelled to respond to a friend's post on Facebook. The post: "I wish people would inform themselves instead of falling into the "fear of pandemic"....." To which I responded with: "Hi friend, I agree with the informing themselves part ... of course it depends on where you get your information and which sources you trust. I think this is such a personal decision and don't blame anyone for making the call either way (NOT saying you do :) ) Just saying that a lot of people who do get vaccinated, like say 7-month pregnant me, didn't do it out of fear and feel like they did a lot of homework on this. We've talked about this before, but the whole vaccine thing has been one of the hardest decisions I've had to make as a parent. Partly, b/c I'm not in the medical field and getting informed is hard when there is so much conflicting information and such powerful personal stories." The comments to follow were generally people who were choosing not to get the H1N1 vaccine but they were also understanding of it being a difficult decision. Interesting to note, for me, was the fact that some of the comments also included stories of some severe reactions to vaccines and one person who died from complications from the vaccine. Well, don't those stories create some fear, too? Wouldn't it be fair, then, to say that fear based on the personal stories of others is also informing some people's decisions not to vaccinate? And isn't that fear valid? I mean those to be rhetorical.

I didn't comment more on my friend's post because there is no point arguing out things like that. I respect her opinion, I trust the same is true in reverse. We all do whatever we feel is best for ourselves and our families. I just think we deserve some credit for being informed even if our conclusions differ. I'm not saying there aren't a bunch of mewling sheep out there. I've met them too. As an aside, and I think I've mentioned this here before but if this whole vaccine debacle is any indication of how public health care would run, it's going to lead me right into the arms of the Republican Party.

p.s. here's the new column link: http://www.newsregister.com/article/42117-baby+board+common+sense+ideas+uncommon+flu+season

Halloween Hack, etc.

Today's Word Count: 801

Unsure where to jump back in I started with this scene I've struggled with between Ani and the guy she's not "technically" dating. And the words just came, imagine that! For awhile there I was so focused on keeping the book marching toward my deadline, I forgot how important inspiration can be. The last few times I've written though, I've been all over the place so now I need to figure out how to string it all back together. Also, I've been resisting having to renumber and reorganize my chapters but I'm sort of thinking I'm putting off the inevitable. I know the outline was supposed to serve as a guide, and not a mandatory sentence but I was kinda attached to it. I've been noticing I have a tick where I start sentences with "also" and am really hoping that I used to do that before the whole Sarah Palin thing.

Speaking of sentences, Sam is using them! I know I keep saying this but it is such an honor and a joy to have these exciting front row seats to his discovery of ... well, everything! Today he was walking around doing this adorable shrug/arm gesture he does asking: "Where Good Girl is? Where Good Girl is?" I suggested Lucy, our Labrador, was resting. He nodded. "She napping." Then he agreed to try to nap too. And I loved him even more.

Side note: How many times a day, exactly, does my neighbor need to whip out that stupid leaf blower of his? It's Oregon. Leaves fall on the ground here and it's okay. Expected even.

Finally, as, er, Sam would say: "Oh Dam Mit!" I "flunked" my first glucose test for gestational diabetes and have to take the super long one next week after following a crazy carb-load diet over the weekend. So Sam will be Trick-or-Treating specifically for Snickers and Reeses.

P.S. For those of you who might have to keep sick kiddos inside on Halloween, my friend Mel came up with this cool idea to help mitigate her daughter's disappointment: let your sick sweeties dress up anyway and trick-or-treat at every door in the house. You could even have a few friends and relatives let them trick-or-treat via phone and offer a joke, riddle or some promise for a treat together when they're feeling better.

 

The fog has landed

Word Count today: zero (So I can't be accused of only posting when I've got something to show for my time, besides, you know a healthy, happy kid).

I've been working on my column this week. I managed to write the entire thing about the flu without once mentioning the word "vaccine." On purpose. I've solicited the opinions of those I trust on the subject and other than that ... whatever. I do however have a blog post brewing on the whole H1N1 vaccine debacle around here.

I was reminded that I hadn't posted the link to October's article yet ... pregnancy fog has settled in nice and heavy. So here's that: http://www.newsregister.com/article/41838-baby+board+things+expectant+mother+doesn039t+want+hear.

In other news ... I think I'm getting sick and am off to bed. There was something else but I've forgotten already. See above paragraph.

Get away to get ahead

Today's Word Count: 1,217

Sam and I went up to visit my first friend in the world, Mel, so we could deliver a birthday hug in person as well as sing a little "Zivjo, Zivijo" which Sam translates to "Zibjo." But he says it with such glee you gotta laugh.

It was fun watching our kids play together and kind of a trip to think about how it's been 3 decades since we used to celebrate birthdays together as toddlers in striped velour outfits and  yarn in our pig-tails. Well, Mel's hair anyway. Mine wasn't long enough but that's another story.

A cool thing happened on the way home. Sam was occupied with his snacks and trains and I got to actually think for 30 minutes, minus a few minutes here and there spent fishing (safely of course) in the backseat for water bottles and dropped trains. As I've been working against my (self-imposed) deadline to put the novel in my head and heart into cohesive chapters, it's become painfully obvious that there are holes in my plot and gaps that need bridging. And some things you can't force ... they have to come to you. But I figure odds of them coming to be are better if I'm actively seeking out the answers and listening for them. Those are the kinds of answers that come in the middle of the night, while showering or driving with no pen in the car. Luckily, I keep a pen in my hair most of the time and two of the things I've been trying to figure out just kinda worked themselves out on the drive home. That has to be one of my favorite things about this writing gig: getting away from the computer still counts as working and sometimes even is the difference between staying stuck and getting ahead.

By the way, if you're not into looking cute and you have long enough hair, I highly recommend keeping pen tucked in there during flu season as an extra safety measure.

p.s. thank you, thank you for your encouraging comments and support ... you have no idea how much that means to me.

 

My darling day job ... and other excuses

Today's Word Count: 835

I get this certain way when I haven't written for a while. Sulky, maybe? Cagey? I woke up that way this morning, went to bed that way last night and realized I had to do some, well, writing today no matter what. Sam is on another nap strike. I refuse to consider that he might've given up naps. That would be treason. He could not possibly be so aggressive at such a young age. I could always write later at night after he goes to sleep but the problem with that is that while I used to be pretty creative and productive during late hours, I now consider 7 p.m. "getting late" and I am capable of little more than Facebook status updates after 8 p.m.

So there's the morning. Except that I'm up being pregnant on and off during the night with the peeing, the leg cramps, the oh-my-God! we're having another baby?!panic attacks and the having to wake up fully to engage all my body parts to maneuver a simple turning over action. So early mornings are out.

Until the nap strike I was managing well in the nap window but now ... I read this and think maybe I'm being a whiny slacker but I know myself well enough to know I'm useless on not enough sleep. Cranky and useless. Today I let Sam have some "rest" time anyway in hopes that he'd settle down and I turned off the monitor for long enough to get a little writing done. He alternated between bouncing on the bed, singing to himself about the monkeys that bonk their head doing just that and being quiet long enough to lull me into a state of concentration.

I'll figure something out but meanwhile, it just felt good to get some work done. I'd been out of the story just long enough that I struggled to get back into it. On the upside, while I wasn't writing this week I made some progress on some of my goals best categorized under "organize everything."

p.s. Yes I'm still thinking I am going to meet that December book deadline. I have, however, been avoiding counting the days and my page totals to see if that's even a remotely reasonable possiblity without some help with my darling day job.

My good helper

Today's word count: 443

I'm getting my head back into Breaking Branches 300 words at a time, am still hopeful of meeting my December deadline. And also a little panicked. Today I'm a little distracted by the fact that my baby turns two tomorrow. He's been on the planet for two years and while I can't imagine him not being here, I am stunned that two years has already flown by.

Yesterday we went to the store to get the ingredients for his cake and pick out a candle. He picked the number "2" candle and chewed on it when I wasn't looking so it's nice and customized. I actually had to wipe it down with my sweater before handing it to the cashier. Kids are so gross! Also, adorable. We were at the store in the window just before nap time so I was a little nervous but he was hamming it up slapping high-fives with strangers and even holding his arms out for a random lady to hug. "Hug?" He asks, arms outstretched, as she searches through the spices. She smiles but then looks at me. "That would be weird, right? If I hugged him?"

"Well, kinda. But he asked for it. We haven't really covered the whole 'stranger danger' thing yet." She opted to high-five him instead.

Today we made the actual cake. Well, minus the frosting. He got bored before they finished baking so we went to the park for awhile. We've been practicing singing the birthday song and the "Zivijo, Zivijo" part we Slovaks sing. So he'd lick the batter and say "Mmm. Zivijo, zivijo. More birthday?" Lick. "I'm a good helper!" Lick.

I'm going to try frosting before he wakes up. We'll see.

For the love of writing

Writing is so, so not for the pay. Which is not say there isn't a pay off, and a lot of rich rewards but man ... I was thinking today about how hard I work on my column and how much I put into it for $25. Obviously, I'm not in it for the money but I am constantly working toward my goal of making a living as a writer. I have faith it'll happen, not because the paper will get a windfall and start paying more but because I believe successful writing careers don't happen overnight but rather are a culmination of lots of things done steadily over the years.

I heard a writer speak along those lines last weekend. Laura Whitcomb lead her workshop by sharing that she was an overnight success, two decades in the making. So you really, really have to love it to be able to keep at it. Luckily, I do.

I don't think I've mentioned yet, because I have no idea how to do it without being all braggy, but I won a couple awards this year for my "Baby on Board" column. I'm proud of it because it is something concrete I can point to to say I've been working, and that my work is good, even when it doesn't always feel that way. Also, I'm just the kinda girl who digs getting awards. In fact, I still have my "Sweetest Smile" award posted in my office from grade school.

- National Newspaper Association - 2nd Place, Best Humorous Column, Non-daily Division, circulation 8,000- 11,999. The judges notes said: "Cute, all too true - signs of motherhood. Well written."

- Oregon Newspaper Publisher Association - 3rd Place, Best Local Column

And to keep me humble, I just found out the status on my literary magazine entry was changed from "received" to "declined."

I'm off to watch "Glee."

Good with the bad

Today's word count: it was more of a word shuffle as I'm trying to organize Chapter 6 and figure out if I'm trying to fit too much into it.

The good news is I finished the edits and submitted a short story, Ten Till Closing,to a short story contest, fingers crossed. The bad news is that I got an e-mail out of the blue that my Confessions column is being canceled. My editor said EcoMetro is ceasing all blog/column publication. That's just so completely different from the last conversation I had with her about the direction of the site and my future writing from them. I'm really disappointed but still confident something else good is brewing. Either way, I'm glad I had the gig while it lasted. It was actually quite a bit more than a gig because it did give me a new lens through which to see ordinary aspects of my day-to-day life.

Sorry friends who are no where near a nap couch but I'm taking my exhausted, pregnant self to napland while Sam is still there himself.

Writing my debt of honor

Today's word count: 761

Man! This little "debt of honor" thing is like magic. No matter what else there is I feel I have to do, or how tired, distracted or whatever else I feel, I manage to convince myself to write at least 300 words most days. This nearly always turns into more and I'm pleased to be consistently developing the butt-in-chair and work habit.

I got this idea from Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird, my favorite writing book ever. I'm paraphrasing but essentially the idea is to keep your writing assignments short and manageable and keep doing them. Even if you write 300 words of crap, odds are somewhere in there is a line or two worth keeping. So far, I'm happy to say I've worked out some of my big plot kinks and want to keep most of what I write.

Matt is working with me to develop the curriculum plans to go with the novel. Ambitious, maybe but I think it'll be a cool addition to the pitch and marketing to be able to offer the manuscript with built-in lesson plans. It's also fun to discuss the plot, characters and what people might take from it with him and Sam over dinner. Well, mostly it's Matt and I discussing between managing the details of Sam's mealtime.

"Fork, please."

"No! Green fork!"

"More salad, welcome. No lettuce. Only carrot."

"Helicopter bite. No airplane bite. Helicopter bite."

I'm getting better at making chopper sounds with my mouth full.