I found another entry for my kitchen memoir Not like the Picture this weekend.
I am working on a personal life improvement project. One of the concepts I’m working with is how to stop complaining about the everyday things that must be done whether I’m cheerful about them or not, things like making meals for people three times a day, every day.
I’ve mentioned before that I kind of hate dinner and the fact that it comes around every. single. night.
But I don’t hate dinner, really. And I certainly love the people I make meals for … so it’s actually a matter of figuring out how to streamline the whole process so I’m not re-creating the wheel every morning/evening.
I'd stopped on my way home to catch a candid picture of one of the candidate's I'm covering putting up campaign signs. I was close to home when my husband called. There was an accident ... he started to tell me a baby got hit in front of our house ... it's pretty bad. But at the same time just before I rounded the corner to my house I saw the flash of a police car.
I heard the drum that beats inside to say something’s not right. I came onto my street and saw my house surrounded by police cars, caution tape and chaos. My husband was in the front yard – distraught.
He'd just told me a baby. Not Sam, not Jake. A baby. But time lapsed and all the information didn't click in my mind as I hurried into the madness. Could it be my boys?
I couldn’t get my car any farther down the street.
“You can’t go down there.” One of the world’s hall monitors informed me.
“I have to.” I shouted, trying to remember how to park my car.
what is happening? I ran.
I heard wailing coming from the left. I ran faster.
A toddler. Hit by a car.
Simultaneously I saw for sure that it wasn’t one of my kids because the toy-car wagon in the grilll of a Ford sedan didn’t belong to my boys.
It was Alex’s, next door.
Alex, a little boy who just barely got to the world before getting taken out on a random October afternoon. He just celebrated his 1st birthday September 22.
I never met him. But will keep a candle lit for him in my heart for the rest of my days. Because to me, the moment of relief I felt that my boys were okay, meant that someone else’s baby wasn’t.
I’ve done crisis counseling. I know what that’s called, I know it’s not rational: survivor’s guilt.
None of that helps when I can’t sleep in the middle of the night thinking of the baby, his sister, his brother, his father … his mother a few houses down. His grandmother, his grandfather, his babysitter … all people I only knew in passing … but now I hear them cry in my sleep. And I wake up with my own pillow wet from my own tears.
They each have their own stories … the stories that don’t get into the news because they’re happening at the same time as the news is developing and they’re happening in hearts and heads … not headlines.
There’s the story of his sister. I can’t tell you her story, because I don’t know it. But I can tell you where my life intersected with hers, on the corner of X Street and Y Avenue.
A beautiful young girl, 14, sitting in the street, wearing one black Ked and hitting the pavement over and over and over again. Screaming for her brother to wake up. Screaming at the man who hit him. Screaming for time to come back. Screaming. Her grandmother never let go of her … shaking and bearing witness to the grief around her, holding her own inside.
The next day I came over to the house I saw her, in a dark room sitting by his crib, she was still saying his name, clinging to the crib, Wake up, Alex. Wake up.
Then there is his brother. A handsome 17-year old who said he waited his whole life to have a brother. They were just about to share a room together – he planned to paint the Lighting McQueen lightening bolt in their room. Maybe he still will, he says, but he can’t think about that now.
I met him at the same intersection as his sister, but hours later. The scene was silent now. The only evidence of the afternoon’s tragedy and chaos was the little red toy car still in the car’s grill … the street still taped off, the wailing echoing in the minds of neighbors but save the sound of detectives talking in low voices it was quiet now.
No one came to pick him up from practice. He learned something was wrong, but not what exactly. He ran all the way home. He was nearly there when he saw the tape, like I did. Saw the wagon, like I did.
But there was no relief for him because it was his baby brother. I told him what I knew. I held him, this boy I’d never met, this boy who just learned his brother was in a horrible accident and fighting for his life in a city an hour away. A boy who was alone to process all of that.
So I hovered around his house, in case he came out. He did. We talked a bit, I introduced him to another neighbor, the one who’d given his little brother CPR, somehow information was helping, at least it gave him something to process, perhaps.
If he needed anything I told him to come over. At 8 p.m. he came to the door. My heart lifting, I thought he was coming to tell me good news. Instead, he just wanted to let me know his brother didn’t make it. But he was braver than me and used all of the words: my little brother … died.
And he had to go talk to his little sister, who’d come from a friend’s house. I came home with him, not because there was anything I could do to help but because I could be there, to hold them, to let him grieve without having to be the adult in the room for his sister … and that’s all I did. Held them until he was ready for me to go. I haven’t seen him since but I think about him every day.
I do see the grandfather every day as he comes out to check on the flowers, tidy up the memorial site, bring fresh water, straighten what the wind has bent.
I talk to him a little bit as I come to tie the balloons back up in the battle against gravity, the rain has come to put the candles out, the chalk messages are wiped away, the markings in the street are fading … but the memories, the sounds, the moments of that Monday afternoon no one can take back.
Those stay. Those stay forever. The impact permanent. And that’s just for me. So I literally can’t draw a full breath when I put myself in any one of their shoes. The best I can do is what I told the little boy’s mama: though I never knew him, I will never forget your son.
Alex’s story hit home for most everyone in my home. Matt has his own story, one he’ll most likely keep to himself. But he’s not sleeping well either. He heard the impact. He called 9-1-1 knowing what happened before he saw what happened.
Sam, well, how do you tell a five-year-old this story? We’re working through it. Sometimes he understands, sometimes he doesn’t Same as me. He says he dreams of Baby Alex. And in his dreams, they are playing Legos, and running, lots of running Sam says.
But I did not cover this story. I was a part of this story. Their stories are now a part of me.
I share them with you as a reminder to always, but always, remember this moment matters.
p.s. some of you are asking for more information about the accident itself as well as what possessed me to tell my son about it. This photo is taken in front of my house, does that help answer that?
And the other questions are really good ones too and I’ll come back with the answers I have as soon as I can.
And some have also wondered - yes we have a collection envelope for them and you can message me for more information if you would like to contribute something to this family ... I understand things are tight and there are a lot of things vying for our attention and resources, if you feel moved to share a few dollars, let me know.
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It felt so good to write here yesterday, I thought I’d squeeze in another post, in lieu of a shower though so maybe that’s not such good news for the people who interact with me in person.
But, for those of you who have written asking if I finally succumbed to the temptation of sticking my head in the oven during my long cyber-silence, this ought to be a good sign.
And, by the way, that whole oven thing? Mostly a joke because I use inappropriate humor as a coping tool, hey, it beats drugs, right? See, I can’t help myself .
Also, mine’s an electric oven, so the joke would ultimately be on me.
Yesterday I was amazed at the way technology plays such a critical role in how I do my job in ways that I never dreamed of last time I had this gig.
A decade ago, I had a cell phone but it was at the coast and rarely charged – so between those two factors – totally pointless.
Yesterday I was on a field trip with a group of fifth-graders touring the local landfill. I was on the school bus when my editor texted me that we needed a story in the paper, due later that afternoon.
The story was about a young man named Cody Myers who was murdered a year ago by two sick-twist psychopath white supremacists monsters.
Actually, the story was about the foundation that’s been formed since his death by his family in order to continue his vision of providing children who couldn’t afford them musical instruments, and lessons.
I followed the Myers’ story very closely last year, it was when I was still a stay at home mom writing my monthly column. It struck a chord deep within me that these worries of mine with little ones are a blessing compared to those I will face when they are old enough to, like, leave my field of vision.
One night, on deadline this column came to me, truly channeled from beyond myself.
Anyway, in that column I mentioned Cody’s mom as she was in my heart so much as I followed the story. I’ve often thought of her and Cody’s story as a way of bringing myself back to a place of grace despite the madness around me.
For the story on a tight deadline, it was tempting to just stick to the basic facts of the benefit concert: October 21, noon to midnight, Trails End in Oregon City … but it means so much more in context doesn’t it?
So I used our archives and Facebook posts to put as much of it together as I could while praying for the chance to talk with the right person for the story.
An hour before the story was due, I got the opportunity to talk with Cody’s mom who was gracious with her time and in sharing such a painful story, but also she said it is good to have her son remembered.
I know I am only one of many who never even met him, and yet will never forget him, or his story.
It’s been so long since I’ve posted here I had to think to remember my password. Sigh.
Really? July 3 is my last post?! I think it’s safe to say four months is the longest I’ve gone without blogging—a word I still loathe—since I was introduced to this awesomeness by my lovely friend Rosie seven years ago.
All that is to say … I miss it. And I’m not giving up on my promise that I’ll be back to more regular blogging one of these days soon.
So, I know this would be freaky and wrong in a lot of important ways but it’s crossed my mind many times in the last four months that it would be so cool if I could just download my thoughts into my computer and upload the posts I compose while falling asleep and driving to work and yes even during some of the boring parts of my otherwise interesting meetings.
But, that would come with a host of problems … like the obvious fact that many of my thoughts aren’t for public consumption. I know, those are kind of the best ones … but I insist on saving those for after I’ve had a few cocktails.
So how about a super quick update and the commitment to be back soon with more?
drinking less of the aforementioned cocktails, less coffee and lots of water – what do you know? There’s been so action on the bloody scale.
appreciating the good news that I won a long-fought battle with my mortgage company yesterday. For the first time since this spring I know where I’ll live at Christmastime (and beyond). so relieved!
watching season openers for my favorite shows Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice and The Office.
laughing at myself, a lot. Humor makes everything better.
eating meat again … thinking about quitting.
willing this lovely autumn weather to last longer than summer did in Oregon.
waiting anxiously my parents to move to the same side of the country as me. so awesome!
prepping to wrap up the final details of my journaling class with Big Picture Classes. so excited!
opening my eyes and heart to new possibilities and perspectives.
sleeping in a very crowded bed with two little boys who refuse to stay in their room all night. trying to remember this is a short, short season and love the snuggling time. but also: exhausted.
remembering how it feels to be in the swing of being a reporter.
brainstormingideas for Sam’s fifth (FIFTH?!) birthday party this weekend
wearing fun outfits more often. Like real, coordinated outfits instead of just what fits … encouraged!
considering ways to work in personal writing time. Now that I’m doing it all day, it’s less likely to happen at home. Partly because that’s where everything else is waiting. Did you know it’s true that “the dishes will wait?”
making the best of things … it’s a good strategy.
feeling better, finally!
getting nervous about the new changes coming at work.
lovingplanning Sam’s party and getting ready to decorate for Halloween.
having visions of catching up on Project Life … yeah, about four months worth – good guess!
listening to the sound of my boys starting to wake up.
crying less often.
acknowledging that attitude is truly everything.
flipping off the lady who flipped me off for no reason … and then realizing I should probably stop doing stuff like that. Then, she did it again so I threw up double birds and it felt kind of good. No idea what her problem was. Didn’t make it mine.
enjoying the realization that things might feel more settled in the near future.